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sigh
09.06.04 (2:29 pm)   [edit]
i don't trust myself anymore...... i dunno my own thoughts.. and especially actions i vaguely remeber zach telling me i do things in excess i can't find a median... either to little or 2 much.. that can be good but most of the time it is really bad.. i feel like ive been running away from myself this wee. and the only haven i can find is not being sober... it had helped me a bit in the past.. when i came to amazing conclusions about things i.e with rob about a month ago but on sunday.... but other occasions it has made me feel worse. at steves that one time was just horrible... to my body my emotional state took a beating also but certain things helped. sunday... even though i don't remeber large portions of it.. all i wanted to do was talk to someone about something i felt like i had something big to say and i didn't know what it was but i know i would figure it out if i started.. everyone else was having conversations except me. i know there was reasons for this but at the time it brought me way down.... way to much i continued to fall deeper into this hole of sadness that has opened up lately inside of me... it is a new feeling to be sad in this way for me today because i wasn't occupied i just got worse.. i need someone to hold onto to make sure it is alright and im grounded... bleh... im going downstairs you probably know what im going to drink.... i hate this me..............................

~needs school to start to get new stimuli.
 
fuck you subject
08.31.04 (9:25 pm)   [edit]
i hve decided my mouth tastes like fritos. i can't didn't eat the fritoes before hand. hippo is cool channel 36. bad idea  from jason
 
bleh-esque
08.27.04 (7:28 pm)   [edit]

i kinda got myself down... but i don't really want to go into that.


 


but what i really want to talk about is that dirty hippie zach. he doesn't have a real job. (serving ice cream pssh) won't buy his own music... is lazy. and this hippie has decided to go camping.. again? yes again. leaving me here missing a zach. this was written in some wierd sort of english. now shoot me please heh.


    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         ~wants to give up on this... but some *shifty eyes* people won't let him
 
hmmm
08.20.04 (8:30 pm)   [edit]

worst title ever.


ive slipped alot lately... but meh i enjoy expereicing things. this will slow down alot when school starts. i think something may work out for me for once. but if not im ready for it. :) random smiley because i am happy.
 
im back bitches...
08.17.04 (7:00 pm)   [edit]
i went away at a bad time... i needed to talk to people after the wonderfully horrible escapades of thursday. oh well im back got most of it off my chest. zach reintroduced me to the beatles.... and woo i found a song that got me thinking enough to ruin the first day of my vacation.

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No,no,no.

I'm so tired I don't know what to do
I'm so tired my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you'd do

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind

I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset
Although I'm so tired I'll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid get.

~beatles


oh but how much i love the white album *appetized*

this is degrading into a rant... so i end now
 
:0
07.28.04 (8:08 pm)   [edit]
im alot better thank you for once i actually got to tlak to again i miss you alot of us miss you : /
 
woo!
07.27.04 (6:04 pm)   [edit]
my glass is neither half full or half empty... it is broken and spilling...
 
bleh.....
07.23.04 (9:20 pm)   [edit]
weee my mind is crashing down upon me.. what the fuck. things are shifting in my brain and liking persons/things that i shouldn't. ive been a wreck lately. so nervous about nothing. sleeping poorly. and tonight thinking about like the past 3 months. if it wasn't for you i would still be doing nothing and being depressed. you ahve no idea how much it means to me. im kinda starting to cry so i dunno what to feel..
 
sorry : /
07.16.04 (10:52 am)   [edit]
i feel like shit for what i did.... really. im sorry... i let you down : /
 
skill?
07.09.04 (3:36 am)   [edit]
i have now roboted while eating a bannana talking to tim at 7:30 and stir coffee. i did all of those at once.... how the fuck did i acheive that..
 
:)
07.08.04 (8:33 pm)   [edit]
weeeeee vegas tommorow with a clear mind and good stuff to come back to. ill miss people...


-be back next friday alot fatter and tanned :0
 
sigh..
07.07.04 (7:40 pm)   [edit]
im so fucking exhausted... with everything.. in a good and bad way. my work is exhasuting it always has been. hanging out and doing amazing random things is exhausting. my thoughts are the most exhasuting they hurt me more than alot. vegas will be a place of rest i hope i can rest my thoughts.... life isn't easy...


~ i need to talk to some people but im not sure when or how ill bring myself to do it. im still in a decent mood as i always am.
 
wtf..
07.06.04 (5:30 pm)   [edit]
guess im not as good with this i was or thought i was... pfft oh well
 
don't feel bad for me
06.29.04 (9:42 pm)   [edit]
what happened tonight, i don't want either of you to feel bad. i did feel really shitty for a bit but more that i was going to lose either of you as friends. but it got better from there and im almost more happy that it worked out the way it did. i don't blame either of you
 
:)
06.27.04 (6:13 pm)   [edit]
my life is really awesome now.. i have become friends with such great people.. thank you all
 
bleh..
06.24.04 (7:18 pm)   [edit]
today started out par.. then quickly fell to horrible... work was horribly busy... way to busy was out a hour later than usual.. and i had hoped to come home and fimd people to talk to.. and i find out they are out doing things... oh well.
 
a wonderful streak ends
06.24.04 (10:36 am)   [edit]
today will be my first day for the last 3 weeks of doing something before work.. that i was bored. thanky ou everyone heh.. i was dumb int hinking people wouldn't accept me. once again thank you..
 
*sigh of relief*
06.23.04 (7:14 pm)   [edit]
there i did it.....and was surprised with outcomes i guess... thank you.. for caring..
 
i gotta do something.
06.22.04 (7:29 pm)   [edit]
i have something to say.. aks me about it i may tell... possibly.... or maybe not... i don't know.
 
you know what i need.. to be cruiciefied on a breast
06.20.04 (7:45 pm)   [edit]
i haven't done a blog lately been to busy.. and nothing to write about.. got my ear pierced people say they like it but as always im dissastified.. but i know ill like it later. i did like the piercing process alot.. kinda disturbs me. i want to get more done now..
 
el pissed.
06.15.04 (7:09 pm)   [edit]
great day today.... another. another day where i felt fine without shirt off. and even tight swim pants (kinda) so unlike me but it is good. only thing that made this day bad was my dad after seeing tim jason steve and shawn, when i got home he said they looked like rough kids.. implying they do drugs or something. he really fucking pisses me off sometimes which is kinda hard for him to do because he does alot for me. sigh whatever he is very stubborn. so fuck it.
 
im horrible at labling anything in my life.
06.14.04 (6:20 pm)   [edit]
past week and a bit has felt like is has been years. i've changed alot over the past week and managed to be busy everyday. feels so good. this is was life is supposed to be like not fucking trapped in a room talking to people all day on aim and playing online games pretending to have a social life in them. i don't even feel bad about my body anymore had the courage to take off shirt and keep it off even when not in pool. weight loss coupled with new self confidence helps. passed license test and have car soon woo. today is a day where "having a case of the moooondays" is completly wrong.
 
i feel free
06.13.04 (5:39 pm)   [edit]
i can't really complain..... about me working and missing stuff because every day this week before work i got to do something even it be for like 2 hours.. even with all this work this week has been one of my best in a long time.. and i hope this trencd continues. oh yah road test tommorow wish me luck.
 
sigh..
06.11.04 (10:49 am)   [edit]
onyl thing that could ruin the last day of school which was how can i say it?? EXTREME. (i.e. PELE) is my own my mind. I know the only way it will stop bothering me is if i can be a bit more open about it... but it is so hard. when i do say to someone it will be another step forward... no a leap in my path toward openess (sp?). If you have'nt thought of this before but my craziness stems out of me avoiding my thoughts because when im laughing or running through the halls kicking a tape ball im not killing myself with my mind..
 
time is out of sync
06.10.04 (6:56 pm)   [edit]
sorry to anyone that has felt pushed away lately by me. i have had something very very big on my mind that is bothering me. don't worry about me i'll get over it.. changed though...
 
hi